A Castle Crack Fic
by Snickerdoodles With Red-Hots
Summary: Lanie's frustration gets the best of her one night working late in the morgue, and Beckett makes a wish on a two-leafed clover. The only part of this story you should take seriously is the M rating.


**M for very disturbing smut. Everyone is OOC. That's the point.**

**Disclaimer: Oh, right. Castle is the property of ABC and Andrew Marlowe. Not me. I have no claim over any story or situations featuring those Characters, even the ones I wrote myself. There is no profit being made from this. Seriously, it'sfanfiction and there are nearly 11000 of these.**

A man can maintain an erection a few hours after death. That's the first thought that popped into Dr. Lanie Parish's head when she looked down at the late Steve Fawcett's hard, stiff penis. The second thing that popped into her head was how long and thick it was. The third thing was how long it'd been since she'd had a man's cock inside her. The fourth was that there was around. She closed the door just in case, took a deep breath and pulled off her pants, mounting the table to straddle his naked corpse. Glad that she had decided to forego underwear that day, Lanie slowly lowered herself down on to his erection, gasping as it filled her. His body was still warm It had been a fresh pick-up.

"Hey, baby," she said, gently stroking his hair. "Don't you worry. I'm gonna do all the work. You just relax." She gripped his shoulders, moving above him.

"Mm," she moaned softly as she increased her tempo. "Oh, yeah. Yes. _Steve_." The pressure began to build and she rose her arms into her hair and screamed as she had the most earth-shattering orgasm of her life.

Breathing heavily, she looked back down at Steve. It almost seemed unfair that she couldn't return the favour.

Or could she? After what he had done for her, Lanie decided to give Steve one last ejaculation. He wouldn't be able to come properly due to the lack of pulse, but she figured it was the gesture that counted. Adjusting slightly, Lanie restarted, reaching down to cup his balls slightly. It started to vibrate. She could feel that he was close and then – Lanie gasped – his whole body thrummed and pulsed underneath her as he spilled into her and with a large intake of breath, Steve Fawcett woke up.

Lanie screamed, this time, not from pleasure.

Steve looked shocked first, then confused, before he finally grinned. "I knew there was an upside to my condition."

"Uh – uh – you're talking."

"Well, from the looks of it, I've been doing a whole lot more than that. I gotta say, of all the morgues I've woken up in, this is definitely my favourite."

* * *

XX

* * *

"Well, I guess since this isn't technically a homicide, it's not our case anymore," said Beckett.

"Technically, Detective?" said Castle, raising an eyebrow as he swirled his brandy glass. "The man's not even dead. It's a simple mugging case."

"Well, it's not so simple for Lanie. Gates is definitely cracking the whip."

Castle chuckled. "Oh, the depravity. Imagine, being so sexually perverted, you'd be willing to mount a corpse."

"Oh, that's nothing," said Esposito. "I could tell you stories about Lanie that would make this little incident look like an episode of the_ Teletubbies_."

"Do you think the fact that he's actually alive will make it better or worse for her?" asked Castle.

"Well, I can't imagine how it would be worse. If he'd been dead, she would have contaminated the body. So, I guess she's kind of lucky the guy has such a weak pulse instead of actually being dead. Apparently it's the seventh time in three years he's been carted of to a morgue."

"Wow," said Esposito.

"Poor Lanie," said Ryan. "So unlucky. She should have taken that pot of gold when I offered it to her. Oh, but no, she doesn't believe in magic. Can I tell you how offensive that is to my people?"

"What, the Irish?" said Castle.

"Leprechauns," said Ryan

"Esposito," said Gates, emerging from her office in red leather carrying a whip. "Fetch me a fresh riding crop. I broke this one on Lanie's ass."

"Yes, Sir," said Esposito, taking the whip from her and marching off to find a new whip.

"I hope you haven't been too hard on her, Sir. It's been a while since she's gotten any. I think she was just a little cock-starved."

"Well, I'm afraid I can't empathise, Detective. I always have a steady stream of cock at my disposal. Besides, Dr. Parish has been a _very_ bad girl. She broke the law. She deserves to be punished. Tell Esposito I'll be waiting in my office. Velasquez will take care of Doctor Parish until I get a fresh whip." And with that, she returned to her office.

"Wow, I'm glad I have Castle's cock, or I might be in Lanie's position right now," said Beckett.

"Oh, you could still end up in her position if you don't have luck."

"Well, I still have that pot of gold you gave me."

"Actually, Darling, we're running out of lucky coins," said Castle.

"Well, you could always stroke me clover," said Ryan.

"Oh, I don't know," said Beckett. "You're like a brother to me. Besides, I have a boyfriend."

"Oh, I don't mind it," said Castle. "Look at him, he's a teacup. I'm not threatened by him."

"You better watch it boyo. Woy do you think brought up the sales of _Frozen Heat_?"

"Do it, Beckett," said Espositio as he walked past with a fresh whip. "It feels nice."

Beckett took a deep breath. "Oh, what the hell? Why not?" With that, she bent down, picked up Ryan, placed him on her desk, pulled down his overalls and started to stroke his clover.

"Now, be ready with your wish at the crucial moment," he gasped.

"Yes, she is quite good at that, isn't she?" smirked Castle.

"Fuck," said Ryan. "Do it Now!"

Beckett closed her eyes and wished as she felt a small stream of hot liquid on her hand that seemed to disappear as soon as it had arrived. She opened her eyes to find the entire floor empty save for herself – and Castle.

Castle looked taken aback. He looked around. "Uh... what just happened?"

"That was my wish," she said, taking the brandy glass from his hand and placing it on her desk. "I wanted us to have a few moments alone, because every single moment you're not touching me is a moment wasted," she said as she proceeded to remove his white turtle neck, delighted that he wasn't wearing a shirt underneath.

At first, he stared at her, but once he'd recovered form her\\is shock, he gladly obliged her, lifting her up onto her desk.

She wrapped her legs around his waist as their tongues mated, hands seeking every bit of flesh they could find.

They were interrupted by a scream.

Alexis had just exited the elevator.

They instantly untangled from one another.

"What the hell? I wished for everybody in the universe except for me and you to disappear for an hour – wait. _Castle_. Why didn't you call her Alexis Rodgers?"

"What is going on here?"said Alexis.

"Sweetie - "

"Now, it's one thing for you to live in sin, that's your choice. But to violate the sanctity of the workplace – and where is everyone?"

"Pumpkin, what are you doing here?" Castle asked as he pulled his turtle-neck back on.

"I came to talk to Lanie. I heard about what happened. I thought maybe if I prayed with her, I may be able to show her the light. But if I can't even show my own father - "

"Alexis, I respect your lifestyle choice, but just because you're joining a convent doesn't mean I have to join the priesthood."

"You don't have to join the priesthood. I'm only asking that you accept Jesus into your life."

"Alexis, I'm ok with your beliefs. Why can't you respect mine?"

"What beliefs are those? Alcohol, sex and money make the world go round?"

"Look, I'm sorry that you had to see this, but I'm not going to apologise for expressing my love for my partner."

"You can express your love in other ways. Or you could just get married."

"Alexis, this is neither the time nor the place."

"You know what? Let me know when all the people come back." And with that, she left.

Castle sighed as he sat next to Beckett.

She leaned into his shoulder and he kissed her head.

"It's gonna be ok," she told him.

"I don't know. Did you see the look in her face?"

"She's just angry."

He sighed. "I'm glad that she's found something that's fulfilled her, I really am, but... I didn't raise her to be so close-minded."

"Yeah, it doesn't feel right does it?" said Beckett. "I mean, doesn't everything seem a little off to you?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"You know how when you're dreaming and all this crazy stuff happens but it usually seems really normal when you're having the dream? It's only when you wake up that you realise, 'Hey, my Mom's dead and rabbits don't talk.' Well, it's like that for me sometimes. When we're with other people, everything seems natural, normal, but when we're alone – it's like suddenly everything is right in the world and I realise, by contrast, how wrong things are otherwise. Like.. the brandy glass and this turtle neck... me giving Ryan a hand-job – Ryan being a six-inch-tall leprechaun, Gates being a dominatrix, Lanie's necrophilia – for some reason, that all seems odd to me right now, even though I know it shouldn't."

"I'm sorry, I don't get that," said Castle, "'cos when we're alone, all I can think about is you."

"See? This is you. Why aren't you ever like this around anyone else?"

"Maybe you just bring it out in me.'

She rolled her eyes. "I love you, you sentimental cheeseball."

"I love you, too. Now, how much longer do we have before everyone comes back?"

She grinned. "Just long enough."


End file.
